Tag: exvangelical

  • The Gospel of Rain

    Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric on Pexels.com

    It’s been raining here.
    A lot.

    Not the soft, wistful kind of rain that makes you want to stare out a window with a cup of tea and listen to Sigur Ros. We’ve had that too, but this has been the relentless kind. The kind of rain that soaks through boots and schedules and small talk. The kind that doesn’t ask permission before it starts washing things away.

    And yet… I’ve been paying close attention.
    Because something in me has started to wonder if the rain knows what it’s doing.
    I’ve been learning about soil. About herbs and healing and the ancient ways—those old paths that understood the body as part of the Earth, the Earth as part of the divine, and healing as a return to harmony and flow, not just the absence of pain.

    I’ve got garden beds waiting to be filled in the backyard. One will be for fruits and foods, the other for herbs and medicines. I’m making my herbalism dreams a reality. An aloe on the windowsill that was thriving until the repotting and still might make it, if grace holds. Grow bags lined up like little promises to my future self. And in the middle of it all, I’ve been watching how the rain seeps into everything—how it turns the compost, softens the crust, reminds the seeds they’re not forgotten down there.

    But this isn’t just a story about gardening.

    This past week, our friends lost everything in their basement. Three feet of rainwater swallowed their world. We spent the weekend cutting drywall, lifting soaked furniture, tossing years of life into a dumpster while their kids watched from the stairs. There’s a particular kind of silence that fills a house after the flood. And there’s a strange kind of holiness in carrying waterlogged pieces of someone’s story, shoulder to shoulder, soaked to the bone, laughing when you can, crying when you need to.

    I work with water for a living. Storm drains. Pipes. Septic tanks. Systems that most people only think about when they fail. I know firsthand what happens when the flow gets blocked. I know how dangerous it truly gets when what was meant to flow stagnates.

    And I think that’s what this rain has been showing me.

    So this is not a weather report.

    This is a gospel.

    A gospel written in raindrops.
    A gospel for anyone who’s ever felt the ground beneath them has turned to mud.
    A gospel for the overwhelmed, the uprooted, the ones learning to grow again.
    Because the rain isn’t here to ruin us.
    It’s here to bring life.
    It’s here to return us.
    To the soil.
    To each other.
    To something older and deeper and far more alive than the life we built on the surface.

    Welcome to The Gospel of Rain.
    Let it soak in.

    -JD

    We are made of these…things…

    dirt… and water… and breath.

    That’s not poetry. That’s Genesis. That’s biology.

    Rain doesn’t just fall from the clouds. It gives. It baptizes the ordinary. It brings the hidden back to life. And if you truly pay attention you’ll start to notice: the Earth doesn’t just respond to rain. It remembers it in a beautiful way.

    And maybe we do too.

    We as people have forgotten the gospel of the ground. The good news written into roots. The sacred story woven by weeds and worms and wild herbs growing in the cracks. Somewhere along the way, we’ve traded the ancient truth for convenience, plastic packaging, and produce that doesn’t rot because it’s so stripped of life it doesn’t even know how to properly die.

    But the gardens still sing the old song. And if we’re willing to slow down, become aware, and listen, it will teach us how to sing along again.

    Jesus, Soil, and the Mystery of Seeds

    Jesus didn’t build temples. He didn’t establish seminaries. He told stories about soil.

    In Matthew 13, he says the kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, small and overlooked but capable of becoming a tree that is a shelter for birds. He says some seeds fall on rocky ground, some on shallow soil, some among thorns, and some on good soil…and the difference isn’t in the seeds. It’s in the readiness of the Earth.

    The soul, like the soil, must be open… soft enough to receive, nourished enough to sustain, deep enough to grow.

    This wasn’t purely metaphor. It was sacred geometry. Divine agriculture. A cosmic parable encoded into every living thing: life comes through death, transformation takes time, and good fruit only comes through rootedness.

    Jesus didn’t say believe these doctrines or memorize these creeds. He said:

    “Consider the lilies…”

    “Look at the birds…”

    “The kingdom is like a seed…”

    He was pointing at the Earth, not away from it.

    Photo by Akil Mazumder on Pexels.com

    Honor Your Father and Mother

    There’s an old commandment, one many of us learned in childhood:

    Honor your father and your mother.

    It’s usually read as a family ethic. But I’m beginning to wonder if it isn’t so much more.

    What if the Father is referring to our Divine Source, the heavenly blueprint in the stars, the radiant Spirit that animates all things…

    And the Mother is the Earth, the womb of form, the soil of becoming, the very dust from which we were made?

    In Hebrew, the word for “earth” is adamah—the root of the name Adam. In the Jewish mystical tradition of Kabbalah, Adam represents not just a man, but humanity as a whole—the cosmic being, both formed from the dust and filled with divine breath.

    To honor the Father and the Mother, then, would be to walk in alignment with where we come from—Spirit and Soil. Breath and Body. Mystery and Matter.

    When we dishonor either; by spiritualizing everything and denying the body, or by commodifying the Earth and forgetting the sacred, we lose our way.

    We lose our very selves.

    Wisdom from the East

    The Taoist tradition teaches us about living in harmony with the natural rhythms of life. The Tao is the Way—the Source from which all things emerge and to which all things return. It flows like water, nourishes like rain, moves like wind through trees and time.

    “The Tao does nothing, yet nothing is left undone.” – Lao Tzu

    In gardening, this wisdom becomes real. You can’t force a plant to grow. You prepare the soil, tend the space, and then you must trust the seed to know what to do. This is the heart of both mystical faith and herbal practice: alignment and harmony, not control.

    In Hinduism, the idea of dharma reflects your truest path—your alignment with nature, spirit, and self. There’s a beautiful teaching that all beings have their own dharma, even a leaf or a river. To live your dharma is to live like a tree: rooted, patient, in service to the whole.

    Herbalism becomes dharma when we begin to see each plant as a bearer of wisdom, each root as a teacher. We don’t just utilize them—we commune with them and we learn from them.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    Soil as Scripture, Rain as Revelation

    We were made from the dust. That’s not a demotion. Honestly, it’s a deep honor. The same elements that form stars form your cells. The same carbon in a fallen tree lives on in your bones. The Earth isn’t beneath us. She is of us.

    The Bible says, “The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of his hands” (Psalm 19:1).

    And the Earth?
    She doesn’t just absorb the rain
    She listens. She remembers. She responds.

    Rain isn’t just water falling from the sky.
    It’s the memory of the heavens returning to the soil.
    It’s the baptism that makes resurrection possible.

    Soil isn’t just dirt.
    It’s alive. Teeming. Holy.
    A thin place where death becomes nourishment.

    And the herbs we plant?
    They’re not just medicine.
    They’re messengers.
    Whispers from the old world,
    carrying healing that’s older than any of the systems we’ve created.

    The Garden is Calling Us Back

    We live in a time when disconnection is profitable.
    But reconnection is powerful.
    Revolutionary.
    Healing.

    When you grow your own food, you remember that abundance isn’t just an idea, it’s a practice.

    When you tend to your herbs, you remember that healing is not always instant.
    It’s relational.

    When you let the rain baptize your garden, you remember that nothing living thrives without receiving.

    This is the gospel of the garden.

    The truth that’s been growing since the beginning.

    Eden is not lost, it’s waiting for us to honor our Father and our Mother.

    Since you’re still here, I wanna know:

    What are you growing this season in the soil?
    In your body?
    In your spirit?

    What rhythms are you aligning with that the world told you to ignore?

    What would it look like to honor both your Father in heaven and your Mother beneath your feet?

  • The Death of a Pope

    and the Birth of a New Way

    A man has died.

    Not just any man… a Pope.

    A figure crowned in white robes, seated atop a centuries-old empire of marble and gold, proclaiming the name of a carpenter who once said the Kingdom of God belongs to the poor. And have you ever considered the amount of land and real estate that the Vatican owns? That’s a rabbit hole.

    For many, the death of the Pope is a deeply spiritual moment.

    For others, it’s merely political theater and religious grandstanding.

    But for all of us, it is a mirror… if we’re willing to look.

    And if that mirror wasn’t surreal enough, we now have the leader of the free world posting an AI-generated image of himself as the Pope. Yes, that actually happened. The President, high priest of culture war Christianity, dressed in digital robes and algorithm generated holiness — as if to crown himself not just king, but god’s mouthpiece.

    If there was ever a moment that exposed how desperately we want power to appear holy — even if we have to fake it — this is it.

    Because in moments like these, we are reminded:

    Most of us still believe power comes from above.

    We still ache for someone else to be the bridge between us and the Divine.

    We still hunger for kings and leaders, even when we say we want freedom.


    Everything is Spiritual.

    Everything is Political.

    It’s easy to see it on the religious right.

    Easy to call out the way faith has been weaponized for nationalism, fear, and control.

    But here’s a deeper truth, the one most of us Exvangelicals don’t like to face:

    Aligning yourself to the “left”, the “woke”, the “progressive”, the “Democratic party” without true awakening is just Empire in a new robe.

    Different slogans.

    Different crowns.

    Same sickness.

    Empire is still Empire, even when it marches under rainbow flags.

    Even when it preaches tolerance and inclusion instead of tradition and superiority.

    We are not free simply because we changed which king we cheer for.

    We are only free when we stop

    needing

    kings…

    …at all.


    The Deeper Problem

    Outsourcing Our Power

    We have spent centuries outsourcing our sacredness to something else.

    • Outsourcing belief to the churches we attend.

    • Outsourcing conscience and action to political parties we align with.

    • Outsourcing hope to presidents and popes.

    It’s easier that way.

    If someone else carries the weight of the depth, we don’t have to.

    We can stay small.

    We can stay angry.

    We can stay obedient, thinking we are righteous because our side is winning.

    But the Way of the Source suggests another truth:

    You were never meant to be ruled.

    You were never meant to be rescued.

    You were meant to rise up.

    Photo by Markus Spiske on Pexels.com

    The Bible Saw This Coming

    Long before democracy, before left and right, before presidents and parliaments — the ancient writers of the Bible named this sickness.

    When the people of Israel demanded a king to rule over them, God warned them:

    “They have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them.”

    1 Samuel 8:7

    He warned them what would happen:

    • Kings would tax them.

    • Kings would send their sons to war.

    • Kings would seize their land, their labor, their daughters, their dignity.

    • Kings would become the very oppressors they thought they were escaping.

    But still, they insisted:

    “No! We want a king over us. Then we will be like all the other nations…”

    1 Samuel 8:19-20

    It was not enough to live in direct connection to the Divine Source.

    They wanted hierarchy.

    They wanted visible power.

    They wanted someone else to carry the burden of leadership, responsibility, and trust.

    And so it has been ever since.

    The Bible is anything but an outdated book.

    It is a constant cultural mirror.

    It shows us, if we’re willing to truly see , how deeply we still crave kings, even as they devour us.

    The Bible is not about building new empires.

    It’s about tearing down the illusion that we ever needed one at all.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    The Way of the Source: A New Way Forward

    The Source… that deep current of life, love, and creative energy that we call “God” or “Spirit”… is not found on a throne.

    The Source is found:

    • In the soil under your feet.

    • In the electricity of your mind.

    • In the heartbeat thumping in your chest.

    • In the breath moving in and out of your body right now.

    The Source does not descend from above like royal decrees.

    The Source erupts from within — from the ground up, from the inside out.

    The Kingdom is not coming in banners and parades and elections.

    It’s coming in gardens planted, tables set, wounds healed, and bridges built.

    We don’t need a bishop.

    We don’t need a senator.

    We don’t need a savior in a white hat or a red tie or blue tie.

    The Spirit has already made its home in you.

    The Divine has already put its signature on your soul and everywhere around you.

    ⸻

    A Call to Radical Awakening

    So mourn the man if you must. Honor what was good if you choose. Grieve the brokenness if you need to.

    But do not fall asleep again.

    Do not trade one master for another. Do not swap empires like jerseys and call it justice.

    Awakening is more radical than that. It will not be televised. It will not be decided in a conclave or a caucus. It will begin here:

    • In your remembering.

    • In your reflecting.

    • In your returning.

    The Revolution the world needs is not another battle between kings.

    It’s the end of needing kings at all.


    Photo by Jeswin Thomas on Pexels.com

    Remember. Reflect. Return.

    • Remember the Source within you.

    • Reflect it in your living, your loving, your building, your becoming.

    • Return to it every time you forget… because we will forget, and that’s okay.

    You are not powerless.

    You are not lost.

    You are not waiting for the future to be handed down to you.

    The future will be grown

    from the ground up, from the heart out, from the ruins of every collapsing throne.

    We don’t need a better empire.

    We need a new way.

    The Way of the Source.

    It starts with us, and it has already begun.

  • Literal or Literate?: How Your Understanding of the Bible Can Awaken Your Faith

    Most of my life, I read the Bible the way I was taught: like an instruction manual, each verse standing alone, perfectly clear in its meaning without any errors. If it said the world was made in six days, then six literal 24-hour days it was. If Jesus said, pluck out your eye if it causes you to sin, well, thank God no one took that literally… but we understood most of it that way—at face value. As if the text had been written last week, by God himself, in plain English for a modern American audience.

    Turns out, that’s not how books—especially ancient books—work.

    The word bible actually means “the books”, and if you took Spanish you may already know that it is etymologically tied to the word library. Most Protestant and Evangelical churches teach the Bible as a monolithic univocal document dropped from the sky in its final form, rather than the living, breathing, deeply human library of writings it actually is. And when we flatten it, we lose its beauty, depth, and—ironically—its truth.

    The problem, however, is not the Bible itself. The problem, my friends, is how we often read and interpret it.  The way in which we read the Bible (or our hermeneutics for short) changes everything. What happens if we read it literately instead of literally? What if we took it seriously enough to see it as it actually is—a collection of books with different genres, written by different people across centuries, in different cultural contexts, with different purposes? Suddenly, the Bible doesn’t just make more sense. It comes alive.

    What Does It Mean to Read the Bible Literately?

    To read literately means reading with an awareness of what kind of text we’re dealing with. Is it poetry? Prophecy? Myth? Parable? A first-century Jewish sermon? A legal code from a nomadic desert tribe? A deeply symbolic apocalyptic vision?

    Imagine streaming Breaking Bad like a DIY tutorial. You’d walk away thinking anyone with a Winnebago and a chemistry set can build an empire. That’s how many modern Christians read the Bible—mistaking poetry for science, metaphor for history, and cultural laws for eternal commandments for all people throughout time.

    A literate approach considers the:

    • Genre – Are we reading history, poetry, wisdom literature, prophecy, a letter, or an apocalyptic vision? Each one of these requires an entirely different lens.

    • Author & Audience – Who wrote this, who were they writing to, and why? A letter from Paul to a church in 1st-century Rome isn’t a universal law for all people for all of time.

    • Original Language – Words in Hebrew and Greek often don’t translate neatly into English. Nuance gets lost. A single word, sometimes even a letter, can change everything.

    • Historical and Cultural Context – What was happening in their world when this was written? What cultural assumptions would the original readers have had? Where is the setting?

    How We’ve Gotten It Wrong

    Let’s take a look at a few well-known passages and see how a literate approach changes things:

    • Genesis 1 – The creation story here is structured poetically, with rhythmic repetition and symbolic numbers (7 days, representing perfection and completeness). It’s less a scientific blueprint and more a beautiful theological statement: God, our Source, brings order from chaos. And did you know there are actually 2 different creation stories in the book of Genesis? And if we try to read it literally, the creation stories have some pretty significant differences, including which name it calls God.

    • The Book of Job – Often misunderstood as a historical account, Job reads more like an ancient drama exploring human suffering and the nature of God. It opens with a heavenly wager between God and “the Satan” (which means ‘the accuser,’ not necessarily the devil who is never even mentioned in the Hebrew Bible) — a setup that sounds more like a stage play than a court transcript.

    • The Parables of Jesus – The Good Samaritan isn’t just a nice story about kindness. To Jesus’ audience, Samaritans were despised outsiders from another country. His point was and still is scandalous: The “enemy” is the one who is showing God’s love. A literal English reading often misses that gut-punch.

    • Revelation – Apocalyptic literature is highly symbolic. Reading Revelation like a future newspaper misses its original purpose: to offer hope to persecuted Christians under Roman rule. The Beast isn’t your least favorite politician from that other evil party — it most likely represented Emperor Nero. You know… in Rome?

    How This Can Change Your Faith (For the Better)

    If you stop reading the Bible like a list of divine tweets straight from God’s thumbs and start reading it as a collection of ancient, sacred, deeply human writings wrestling with the divine, something happens.

    1. It becomes way more interesting – No more boring, redundant rulebook. Instead, you’re diving into ancient poetry, mystical visions, political resistance literature, and letters of encouragement to underground faith communities.
    2. It opens itself to mystery – Instead of needing everything to be perfectly clear, rigid, and factual, you may start embracing subversive language, paradox, symbol, and meanings with deeply rich layers.
    3. It frees you from harmful interpretations – A literal reading has been used to justify war, slavery, misogyny, homophobia, and genocide. A literate reading recognizes when a text is describing something, not prescribing it.
    4. It deepens your connection to the Divine – Rather than a static set of rules and doctrines, you encounter a dynamic conversation with God, one that invites you, like its characters, to wrestle, question, doubt, misunderstand, and grow.

    Jesus Read the Scriptures This Way… So We Should Too.

    Jesus himself did not read Scripture literally. He was so intimately aware of the spirit within the words that he reinterpreted, reframed, and challenged the common readings of his time. “You have heard it said… but I tell you…” was his way of saying, Hey, you’ve been reading this wrong. Let me show you what it actually means. Let me show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

    When we move from literalism to literacy, we’re by no means abandoning Scripture—we’re respecting it. We’re engaging with it the way it was meant to be engaged: as an unfolding revelation, a window into the divine, a story that pulls us deeper into love, justice, peace, and transformation.

    I think that’s part of what Jesus meant when he said, “The truth will set you free.“

    And maybe, just maybe, it starts by learning how to read.

    Resources

    If you’re curious about diving deeper, here are some authors and books that have been helpful to me:

    • Inspired by Rachel Held Evans

    • The Bible Tells Me So by Peter Enns

    • What Is the Bible? by Rob Bell

    • Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright

    • Jesus Through Middle Eastern Eyes by Kenneth E. Bailey

    • The Universal Christ by Richard Rohr

    Also check out the fascinating public scholar work of Dan McClellan.  He’s about to release his first book since he took his work public called “The Bible Says So: What We Get Right (and Wrong) About Scripture’s Most Controversial Issues” on April 29th.  In the meantime check him out on TikTok, Instagram, and Youtube. I also have a resources tab here, but I haven’t had the time to really put much together over there yet while I focus on writing and getting this blogging thing started.

    Happy reading.

    And happy un-reading, too.

  • Embracing Doubt: A Journey Through Faith Deconstruction

    A quick note: I’m currently writing a book. It’s going to be a spiritual autobiography that will include much of what’s in this post, and much of what’s already been posted on this blog, but will go into much greater depth. The topic of deconstruction alone has inspired entire blogs and books of their own. So with that being said, here’s a glimpse into my journey through deconstruction.

    -JD Merrill

    I remember the first time I felt the floor cracking beneath my faith.

    It wasn’t a slow erosion… it was an earthquake. A single question at first, then another, then a tidal wave of doubt that left me gasping for air. Things that had once felt rock-solid… God’s goodness, the reliability of scripture, the purpose behind it all… suddenly seemed fragile, even hollow.

    And the worst part?

    I had been taught that doubt was the enemy.

    In the faith tradition I grew up in, questioning wasn’t just discouraged: it was dangerous. It meant you were “backsliding,” being “led astray,” giving in to the deception of the world. There was a formula: Believe. Obey. Don’t ask too many questions. If the answers didn’t make sense, the problem was with you, not the system. So when my questions became louder than the sermons, when my prayers felt like they were evaporating into silence, I was left with an unbearable weight of guilt.

    Maybe you know the feeling.

    Maybe you’ve sat in a church service, surrounded by people singing with a sense of certainty, while something inside you whispered, I don’t know if I believe this anymore. Maybe you’ve tried to ignore the nagging contradictions, hoping that if you just had more faith, the doubts would go away. Maybe you’ve been told that your questions mean that you’re losing your faith. But what if that’s not true? What if deconstruction isn’t falling away, but waking up?

    When the House Falls Down

    For a long time, I saw faith like a house. A sturdy, well-built structure I had inherited, passed down from generations before me. It had walls made of doctrines, floors of biblical inerrancy, a roof of absolute certainty. It kept me safe. It kept everything in order. But when the cracks started forming, when I realized some of those walls weren’t as solid as I had been told, the whole thing started shaking. And when it finally collapsed, I thought I had lost everything. I felt like I had lost a God who had been my best friend for my entire life.

    For me, deconstruction started in the background, on the periphery, like a creeping vine I wasn’t paying too much attention to. When something didn’t make sense to me, I could just set that aside until I had better understanding or a new perspective. I had always been one to challenge tradition and the status quo. I was raised charismatic, after all, so if something didn’t resonate with my spirit, I needed to know why. Why do we do things this way instead of that way? If I understood the “why” I could either get on board, or find a new avenue.

    After leaving the church we met at, my wife and I were part of planting a new church. As the Worship Leader I had the opportunity to decide what kind of songs and what kind of theology we were going to incorporate through music. So I started really paying attention to the lyrics of every song, to see if they resonated with what we believed, and what this new church was going to believe.

    Bring On The Questions

    It wasn’t the big doctrines that wavered at first—it was what I would consider secondary beliefs:

    Was Noah’s Ark historical?

    Was Jonah really swallowed by a great fish and survived?

    Was Jesus actually born of a virgin?

    Was the Earth created in 6 business days?

    Were these stories meant to be taken literally, or was there something deeper I was missing?

    As time went on, however, the questions grew bolder. The cracks spread. Pretty much everything except the person of Jesus stopped making sense to me… or at least, it didn’t make sense in the way I had always understood it.

    And all the while, I was still leading worship. Still married to a Christian woman that I met at church. Still getting my paycheck from the church. It wasn’t just my faith that was unraveling. It was my entire identity. My career. My way of life. Worship leading wasn’t just my job; it was who I was. It was the thing I had always wanted to do, the dream I had carried since I was a kid.

    And then, one night, while studying the Bible and examining the lyrics to a song, the last brick in the foundation of my faith crumbled.

    And I still had to lead worship practice.

    I had to pray out loud to lead a worship team that I was building, who were looking to me to lead them, knowing I no longer believed in a God who was out there somewhere listening. I had to lift my hands in the songs I had led a thousand times before, knowing they no longer meant the same thing to me. I had to stand in a room full of people who had no idea that, inside, I felt like I was disappearing.

    The Dark Night of the Soul

    This journey through doubt and uncertainty is not a new phenomenon. In the 16th century, St. John of the Cross wrote about the Dark Night of the Soul, describing it as a period of spiritual desolation, disorientation, and doubt that precedes a deeper communion with the Divine. He wrote:

    “To come to the knowledge you have not, You must go by a way in which you know not.” —St. John of the Cross

    Contemporary theologian Peter Rollins echoes this sentiment, suggesting that embracing doubt is integral to authentic faith. He says it this way:

    “The point is only that the believer should not repress the shadow of doubt that hangs over all belief… Instead, the believer ought to acknowledge and even celebrate this dark night of the soul, understanding that this is not a threatening darkness which conceals an enemy but rather is the intimate darkness within which we embrace our faith.” —Peter Rollins

    Deconstruction as an Invitation

    For so many of us, deconstruction starts with grief. The loss of certainty, the unraveling of everything we thought we knew. But what if it’s not just an ending?

    What if it’s an invitation?

    To see the Divine… not in rigid doctrines, but in the uncontainable vastness of reality itself. To find meaning… not in having all the answers, but in the beauty of the mystery. To encounter “God”… not in the places we were told they must be, but in the places we never expected.

    For me, the breaking of my faith wasn’t the end. It was the beginning of something deeper, something freer. I stopped looking for God in the confines of a religious system and started experiencing the sacred in the very fabric of existence. In music that shook me to my core. In the stillness of the morning. In the unfiltered, unforced moments of love and connection that needed no theological justification to be real. And here’s the paradox: It wasn’t until I let go of certainty that I actually found something worth holding onto.

    Losing to Find

    Jesus once said, “Whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” I think that can apply to our faith, too. Maybe the faith we were handed… the kind that demands certainty, that requires obedience without question, that fears doubt like a disease… was never the point. For me it was just scaffolding, a temporary structure meant to get us to a place where we could finally encounter something real. The loss of that faith doesn’t have to be just a tragedy. Maybe it’s the first breath of freedom.

    What Next?

    If you’re in that space of the in-between, the aftermath, the uncertainty I want to tell you something I wish someone had told me:

    You are not broken.

    You are not wrong.

    You are not failing.

    You are not alone.

    But… please keep an open mind.

    I didn’t mean to stop believing in God. It wasn’t a choice I made, a rebellion I embraced, or a philosophy I eagerly adopted. It was more like a slow, unrelenting erosion… like the tide pulling the sand from beneath my feet until I realized there was nothing left to stand on.

    At first, there was grief. Crying in my car outside of a church because I couldn’t’t take communion. That was for believers, and for the first time I was on the outside of that. But over a few weeks that led to a sense of relief. The weight of trying to reconcile an ancient faith with the brutal realities of the modern world had been exhausting. Without God, I was free. Free from the cognitive dissonance, the theological gymnastics, the need to justify suffering with some twisted divine purpose. Free to love and accept everyone, no matter their religion, sexual orientation, voting record, or any of the other ways we divide ourselves.

    There was something clean about it, something sharp. The world made sense in a way it never had before… random, indifferent, ruled by chaos and natural laws rather than magical celestial orders. And for a while, that was enough. I leaned into thinkers like Dawkins, Hitchens, and Harris, reveling in their unflinching logic. I found comfort in the idea that morality was an evolutionary construct, not a divine mandate. The universe didn’t care, and maybe that was okay.

    But atheism, like the faith I had left, held its own brand of certainty and exclusivity. I saw it in online debates, in the way ex-believers scoffed at spirituality, dismissing anything beyond the material as childish wishful thinking. And if I was honest with myself, I had adopted that same posture. I had traded one dogma for another, one absolute for a different kind. I became cynical. There was no room for mystery, no space for wonder. The vastness of existence had been reduced to atoms and neurons, cause and effect. And yet, something in me still ached.

    It was in that emptiness that I found something unexpected. Or rather, something found me. Because even when I had deconstructed everything, even when I had tried to empty myself of God, there was still… something.

    Not the old man in the sky. Not the tribal deity of my childhood. But a presence, a current, a whisper beneath all things. It wasn’t a return to certainty, it was a surrender to unknowing. And in that surrender, I began to heal. I embraced experience, and found hope in adopting a mystical lens.

    Deconstruction is not the end. It is the beginning. The bravest thing you can do is walk into the dark, not knowing if the ground will hold, trusting that even in the void, you are not alone. Because once you have a real question, there is no way out, only a way through.

    As St. John of the Cross once wrote, “If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

    So for today, don’t be afraid of doubts.  Don’t be afraid of questions. Your community may not understand, and there may be very real risks in being authentic and striving for truth. But if you stay curious, brave the uncertainty, and refuse to accept hollow answers, you will find truth. What is true will remain true regardless of your questioning. And any “God” worth believing in, will be there on the other side in a way that’s more true than you ever thought possible. And when new questions or doubts arise, you will have the tools and experience needed to navigate the mystery with intellectual integrity and joy.

    And hopefully, like me, you’ll find that in the ancient wisdom traditions lies a truth that is so deep, so true, and so real that you have to use metaphor, allegory, and poetic language. Because once you pin down the butterfly to examine its wings, it loses its ability to fly.

    Stay curious, my friends. The truth runs in the deep streams.